When the Darkness Feels Too Much

Have you ever got to that point when you think what is the fucking point? I’ve done all this work, I’ve come so far, and here I am still at ground zero. Still repeating the same patterns, manifesting the same energy just with different stories.

What thoughts go through your mind when you find yourself down the rabbit hole again?

Pay attention now, because I can tell you they’re not very comfortable.

In fact, they probably make you very uncomfortable, so much so they cause you to disassociate, to check out of your body.

They push you to the edge of your sanity, and you can feel yourself approaching that very thin line of where your sanity and insanity meet.

The Edge of Sanity and the Voice of the Wound

It’s downright scary, yet it is there, and until we face it, we will always be threatened by it.

It will always raise its head and swear to take us down until we learn to master it.

To own it.

To understand and learn from it.

To move through it and beyond it.

To take us where the wound needs to heal.

We have all reached that point at some time in our lives. Driven to the edge, on our adventure to know thyself.

Taken down the road, so long, so deep we are afraid we will never come back. We will never to be able to return, but each time we do, we reclaim more of who we are. Yet those thoughts are never far away.

How easy it would be to end it all.

To go to sleep and never wake up.

How blissful it would be to cross that line, that point of no return.

Yet we do return, time and time again.

And every time we do go back down, those thoughts of ending it all cross our minds once more.

What Suicidal Thoughts Are Trying to Teach Us

Have you ever stopped to wonder why?

We think about ending it all when the going gets tough. When life becomes so unbearable we can’t see another way out. It’s just us, the blackness and the void.

What we don’t see in those darkest moments, is our will to live, our fight for survival against all odds.

Yet the thoughts are there, just enough to make them palpable, to feel their energy and the fear behind them.

These thoughts are there for a reason, and if we dare to just sit with them for a moment, we will be able to see the layer beneath. The layer they are hiding from us. These thoughts have come to teach us a deeper lesson about the self.

The Fear of Living (Not Just Dying)

Suicidal thoughts bring with them not only a fear of death but also a fear of living.

Fear of not being able to survive.

Fear we won't make it alone.

They project our inner cries into the outer world—begging for someone, anyone, to see us. To hear us. To rescue us from the hell we’re drowning in.

But in that moment of darkness, there is no one else.

Only me, myself, and I.

And the thoughts.

They carry with them shame, that we are not enough.

Guilt, that we are selfish.

Injustice and anger fuelled by calm and chaos and conflict.

They carry with them the light that shines on the ruptured mess of the past that haunts us.

And they carry so much stigma we are ashamed to own them, share them, speak of them.

Trusting the Alchemy of the Dark

These thoughts carry something sacred too.

They shine a light on the sense of brokenness that still haunts us.

They carry stigma, yes—but also truth.

They remind us that we don’t trust.

Not in the world. Not in others.

Not even in ourselves.

We don’t trust the deep, powerful, messy, beautiful will of the soul to heal.

To rise. To choose life.

To walk itself home.

And so life pushes us—again and again—to the edge, until we remember.

Until we meet the place where we stop searching for saviours and step into the fire of our own divinity.

What If the Thought Is Just the Threshold

So the next time you’re in that dark place, walking the thin line between sanity and insanity, life and death, ask yourself:

• What part of my true self is this suicidal thought keeping me hidden from?

• What treasure lies beneath this story?

• What truth, what brilliance, what power am I being asked to own?

Give yourself permission to reach through the illusion that you are your thoughts, that they have power over you.

And instead, open to the possibility—

That you are here for something deeper.

That you are the one you've been waiting for.

With Love,

Nicola x