Being in the Dark With Suicidal Thoughts
Have you ever got to that point when you think what is the fucking point? I’ve done all this work, I’ve come so far, and here I am still at ground zero. Still repeating the same patterns, manifesting the same energy just with different stories.
What thoughts go through your mind when you find yourself down the rabbit hole again?
Pay attention now, because I can tell you they’re not very comfortable. In fact, they probably make you very uncomfortable, so much so they cause you to disassociate, to check out of your body. They push you to the edge of your sanity, and you can feel yourself approaching that very thin line of where your sanity and insanity meet.
It’s downright scary, yet it is there, and until we face it, we will always be threatened by it.
It will always raise its head and swear to take us down until we learn to master it. To own it. To understand and learn from it. To move through it and beyond it. To take us where the wound needs to heal.
We have all reached that point at some time in our lives. Driven to the edge, on our adventure to know thyself.
Taken down the road, so long, so deep we are afraid we will never come back. We will never to be able to return. Yet each time we do, we reclaim more of who we are. Yet those thoughts are never far away.
How easy it would be to end it all. To go to sleep and never wake up. How blissful it would be to cross that line, that point of no return. Yet we do return, time and time again. And every time we do go back down, those thoughts of ending it all cross our minds once more.
Have you ever stopped to wonder why?
We think about ending it all when the going gets tough. When life becomes so unbearable we can’t see another way out. It’s just us and the blackness of hell. What we don’t see in those darkest moments, is our will to live, our fight for survival against all odds. Yet the thoughts are there, just enough to make them palpable, to feel their energy and the fear behind them.
These thoughts are there for a reason, and if we dare to just sit with them for a moment, we will be able to see the layer beneath. The layer they are hiding from us. These thoughts have come to teach us a deeper lesson about self.
Suicidal thoughts bring with them not only a fear of death but also a fear of living.
Fear of not being able to survive. The fear we are not able to do this alone. These feelings project our unconscious reality out into the world that we really need help in this moment. We need attention. We need somebody, anybody to come and save us from ourselves. To come and rescue us from the hell of our unconscious patterns. They are a cry from the depth of our soul to anyone who will listen, to get me the fuck out of here.
Yet in these moments of utter darkness, there is nobody else there.
Nobody else but me, myself and I and those thoughts. They carry with them shame, that we are not enough. Guilt, that we are selfish. Injustice and anger fuelled by calm and chaos and conflict. They carry with them the light that shines on the ruptured mess of the past that haunts us. They carry so much stigma we are ashamed to own them, share them, speak of them.
Underneath it all they carry with them the one true fact that we simply do not trust, we do not trust in the potent magic of our human will to heal thyself, to rescue thyself, to save thyself.
Trust underlies every single aspect of our lives, and without it we will continue to be pushed to the very edge to rediscover it once again. We will be pushed to explore deeper, without constraints, without control, without boundaries, so we may discover and own and step into the cauldron of our own medicine, our own healing, our own saviour, and our own divinity.
So the next time you’re in that dark place, with that thin line of sanity and insanity, life and death before you, ask yourself what aspect of your true self is that suicidal thought keeping you from?
What magic lies beneath that old, outdated thought process? What jewels is it hiding from you? Give yourself permission, trusting in the divine will of your soul, to pass your hand through the veil of the illusion that you are your thoughts, and your thoughts have power over you, so you may open yourself to the greater possibility and potential of you!